It’s been a while since my first post. I think I might have exhausted all my reserves with that one but now, a couple of years on, things look quite different.
The journey has been difficult to say the least. It’s not one anyone should ever have to endure but it’s part of so many people’s lives and I hate to think that others would feel the same way as I have and I do. It’s so unnatural.
I watched a clip of Celine Dion this morning at her first concert back after losing her husband and she starts to sing “All By Myself”, you know that song, it’s pretty emotional at the best of times and I watched her body language, watched her struggle with the fact she was a consummate professional and was going to deliver this song with it’s challenging high notes and she hit the big one but it’s what happened after that hit me hard and had me crying.
She was visibly so proud she had hit the high note and done it beautifully and then it struck her. The fleeting moment of happiness and elation she felt overwhelmed her and she broke down and couldn’t sing any more of the song. I felt her pain so strongly. I knew exactly what she was feeling. It’s that moment when you do something and it feels like “before”, it feels normal and then all the pain and hurt hits you in the face and you can’t take it. The reality of what you’re feeling, what you’re going through is so strong and so painful that when you have that moment of “normality” it hurts more as it reminds you what you used to be like.
I can see the nice things in life these days. I can feel happy without feeling guilty, without the reality hitting me hard in the face and knocking me back. It’s more days than not and that’s a winning situation for me.
After the last four years, I wonder if we really know how to deal with grief or more to the point, other people’s grief. You don’t have a choice if you’re dropped into it. You have to make your choice and go with it but it’s other people and how they behave and react that is a lesson to learn and at times, an eye opener.
I’m going to try and write a bit more here. I think I can probably now outline what the journey had been like. What it’s taken to get to this sort of “normal” stage and hopefully someone may get something from it to help them a bit.
I had coffee with a friend the other day and she would have been very involved in Christine’s life and it was just so nice to talk about her and all her little ways and the best thing was to smile and laugh about it without crying or feeling the loss. It’s a huge thing for me and maybe a sign that now, I’m celebrating the beautiful girl I was so lucky to have as mine for almost 23 years.
Till next time, Love & Light to you and yours xx